Mutuality
It is obvious to most couples early on that men and
women are significantly different in their sexual interests and drives.
Men usually have a desire for more frequent sex and greater variety in
forms of sexual play. Women usually want more emotional connectedness
through tender touch and conversation and prefer more consistent
love-making technique. These differences often lead to tension over
positions for intercourse, frequency of sex, and experimentation with
different sources of stimulation.
This creates enormous opportunity for a couple to
develop mutual submissiveness in their relationship. Each individual
will have ways to show respect and give a meaningful gift of love to his
or her mate. We feel that giving that respect to each other is a huge
way to guide your choices of sexual play in the direction of genuinely
mature love.
Doing only what is mutually agreeable sexually means
that each partner will make sacrifices for the sake of intimacy. A wife
may give herself more frequently or try a variety of sexual experiences
that go beyond her comfort zone. A husband may relinquish some sexual
fantasy or adjust his demands for intercourse twice a day just to show
love to his mate. Those exercises in personal restraint are not easy,
but help build the oneness of intimacy.
Specific behaviors that often fit this criteria are oral
sex, rear-entry vaginal penetration, initiation of sexual activity,
positions for intercourse, and mutual masturbation. We find no
scriptural injunction against any of these or of frequency of
intercourse. The Old Testament command of not having intercourse during a
woman's menstrual period does seem to have the medical benefit of
avoiding some infectious processes. Paul's admonition in I Corinthians
not to withhold sex except by mutual consent seems to fit with this
general principle of mutuality. It acknowledges the legitimacy of sexual
desire and reinforces the boundary of sex within marriage.
Pleasurability
Sexual play should be enjoyable! If an activity you're
doing doesn't bring enjoyment to both partners it will cause resentment
and distance between you. That's not part of the design for "becoming
one flesh." It may be that some forms of your sexual play create pain
for one or both of you. That should be evaluated medically. If something
is creating discomfort, it is probably treatable (such as vaginitis or
painful erections). This can certainly produce barriers to intimacy. Go to page 4
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